A few days ago I smelled through time. I smelled something that it was completely impossible for me to be smelling at the time. I have an incredibly acute sense of smell, good enough to recognize places or people without much effort, and I know what I smelled. I can't say what. On second thought, smelling through time sounds silly. I might end up believing it anyway due to my delusional thought process, but I may just be trying to bridge a psychological feedback loop with my sensory input. Rewiring my brain to make me happy at the cost of my awareness of the world around me. And it worked, for a bit. For a moment I didn't need anything or anyone.
I've known that music enables psychological state-changes for awhile, for me anyway in many senses that I couldn't explain if I wanted to for want of language. I've been feeling a new one recently, I'm wishing there was a word that meant spiral, echo, resignation, and an emotion that there isn't a word for (asprisuum/ua comes to mind), to use to describe it. I like it, it's peaceful. It's something I would be happy to die feeling.
I don't want to kill myself, I wouldn't call myself depressed, and I actually quite enjoy living most of the time, simply because it's interesting. But I think I'd like to try dying.
I am still split in many ways, even if I have control for the most part. My hands still twitch from time to time. The problem is, I'm not sure if it's me doing it. I'm losing track of myself within this world: my thoughts, my actions, my presence. Anyway, the splitting and re-mending creates infinite contradictions in my being. The souls are trying to escape, both of them now, and they're going off in two different directions when they reach and desire.
My sense of touch is getting better/worse. I like it, but it may pose a problem.
I can feel how close I am, but I can also sense how much further I must go. I hope my goal is, in fact, achievable.
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